If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
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You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”