Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
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Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
CUTE CAT‼︎
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.