‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
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My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?