Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
You Might Also Like
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all