In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
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I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?