Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.