Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
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“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”