Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
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can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
any last words?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*