I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
What the hell happened in there??
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.