Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
plant them where lol
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers