My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
You Might Also Like
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
somebody come look at this
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.