I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
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4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th