@Gupton68

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

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@bingowings14

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

@TheBoydP

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

@TheCatWhisprer

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

@waxmittert

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

@AndyAsAdjective

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

@carlyken

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

@Maxine12333

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

@Boleyngirly

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..