So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
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I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.