Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*


I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat


Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t


If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified


I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.


I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.


So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer


I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”


In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.