Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Wait a minute
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
You are what you delete.