@hurlarious

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

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@maxverygoodboy

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

@mazizkhalifa

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

@iscoff

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

@GuyThe_Guy

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

@mrtruthandsoul

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

@chillandwoke

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

@AKcrazy18

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

@michelleDbelle

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.