The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.