If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
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*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
can I use a minion as a tampon
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.