Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
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“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Just a phase…
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep