11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
You Might Also Like
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty