*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
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Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.