DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
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Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.