Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
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Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.