Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔