I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.