What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
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In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared