What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
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Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Extremely relatable.
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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