ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
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cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Sending in my taxes
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal