Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
The funk soul brother
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin