I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.