[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
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Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Yup.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.