Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

I support this random dude and all his protests

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Need this in my life lol

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out