Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
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Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol