Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Stop.
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You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.