Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Expect the unexporcupine.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*