Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.