This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
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I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?