stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
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LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
What
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
excuse me
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*