I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
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What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
🤣🤣🤣
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m having an out of money experience.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
The “baby” on the left….
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to