During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
You Might Also Like
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday