When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
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ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Trying
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
These aliens are taking forever.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.