When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
men, we mow at sunrise.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.