Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
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“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.