Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
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That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Spring of Deception
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name