If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
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“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.