Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
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As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
monday
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.