Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
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Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
🤣🤣🤣
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.