Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
You Might Also Like
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The answer is funnier than the question
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.