INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
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Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!