No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
🤣could you imagine
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.