My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
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The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower