superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
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Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.