what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
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i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.