Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Thursday Thought.
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Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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