Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
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*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
How it started How it’s going
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.