It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
S/o to @funTweeters .
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight